Every year on my birthday, my mother calls nearly every hour throughout the day to give me updates on the progress of my birth. This is a yearly tradition with her, though who knows why she wants to relive such a traumatic event, year after year after year. But, none-the-less, she finds this highly amusing.
7am: Happy Birthday! You’re not born yet though… but I’ve been in labor the past 26 hours.
9am: At the Dr. yesterday for a stress test because you are two weeks overdue. Yep, labor is confirmed! Come back later when the contractions are closer.
10am: Been at the hospital all night but only dilated to a 2. You don’t want to come out!
11am: Keeping taking the monitor off and the nurse is yelling at me to keep it on. Whatever, get this kid out of me!
12pm: Horrible painful night! Dr. came in and said, “Oh, you poor thing. I am going to order an epidural right now.” Fucker didn’t come for another 4 hours.
1pm: Anesthesiologist says, “so looks like we have had one too many ice creams during our pregnancy.” NOT something you tell a pregnant lady who is in labor! Didn’t want to piss him off with a smart ass comment since he had a 6 inch needle in his hand though….
He says arch your back, i say wait, i am having a contraction. He says, “that’s fine, I want to put this in when you are.” FUCKING ASSHOLE
So he does, he hits a nerve and I literally bounce on the table from the pain.
“Oops” he says.
2pm: Your dad goes off to get coffee because I won’t let him sleep. “If I have to suffer through this, so do you. Wake up asshole!” So he is gone and all of the sudden the nurses come screaming in my room, they are unhooking me from the monitor and doing all sorts of things to the bed. They say the baby has had a bowel movement and we need to get her out, so down the hall they roll me into the delivery room. C-Section!
Funny thing: your dad had to put on scrubs to come into delivery room and they were light yellow and he had on blue underwear and you could see them through the scrubs.
They slice me open and I immediately get air under my shoulders. The pain is horrendous but there’s nothing they can do. They have strapped me down so I can’t move my arms. You are stuck under my rib cage and they can’t get all of you out so they have to push you back in and finally, after 20 min, here you come! Your shoulder is bruised and red from being stuck. The doctor proceeds to sew me up and then comes and stands next to me and tells me it was a very hard delivery. Then I proceed to throw up on her.
3pm: I pass out and wake up to a nurse pushing on my stomach to help the after birth come out or some bullshit story. I grab her arm in tears and beg her to stop but she says she has to do this. I am so sore from the doctors pushing on me to get you out! I pass out again, wake up in another room, but I don’t see you until 6 or 7 that evening. I can’t hold you because my stomach is hurting. They give me morphine, which made my face itch. Anyway that is the way you came into this world. Happy b-day sis!
So yes, I came into this world in all my shriveled, pink glory after giving my mom hell for 36 hours, which she reminds me of yearly lest I forget! Thanks mom! Love you.

